Twelve Things I Have Learned in My 19 Years of Life
My little life thus far. Essay concept inspired by the man himself, Dr. Jordan B. Peterson.
I am 19.
Soon, I will be 20. My life is just starting. But I don’t particularly feel like I fit in with my generation at all.
Because of that, I want to give my perspective on what the beginning of my little life has looked life, so far.
If you are reading this as an adult in your twenties, thirties, fifties, or even older (hi Grandma), you may have a very critical view of the younger generation, and rightly so. We can be lazy, make terrible choices, and be reckless in major life decisions. I have done all of those things, but they have helped me become the young woman I currently am. I suppose I am attempting to change that stereotype. Through writing this, I do not claim to be some arbiter of truth, nor do I think I know everything. I have moments of feeling lost, confused, and completely broken down by the world. Sometimes, I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I feel that everything is a mistake, caused by myself, and I will end up homeless in a box someday. All jokes aside, I know I have so much more to learn throughout the next decade of my life, and further beyond that. The story of my life is not even close to being over.
I intend on becoming the greatest version of myself that I can possibly be, so that by the time I graduate college and head out into the real world, I can make my life into everything I would like it to become. By the time I am 29, which is just ten years from now, I want to be a fully-developed woman who has her place in the world—with a meaningful career, passions, more life experience, and even a family. I do not want to feel lost, in an unstable place, and directionless, as many twenty-somethings are right now. I want to make sure I prevent that from happening to the best of my ability. I don’t get to make excuses or become a victim of whatever circumstances come my way. That’s a very important lesson my parents taught me. I’ve got every opportunity to lead a fulfilling life, so it is time I accept accountability for the areas in my life I improperly handle. For now, as a 19-year-old me, I’ve got my place in the world by pursuing a meaningful undergraduate degree, making connections with my friends, developing relationships, maturing as a young woman, and spending a lot of time focusing on my passions and who I am.
Two songs that I listened to while writing this essay are called Godlight by Noah Kahan and In The Unknown by Volunteer. These are really powerful songs for me. I don’t think I will ever forget about them. The effect music like this has on me has been a mix of nostalgia, and just feelings. A lot of feelings. These songs also represent my own journey of going through life thus far. They represent the mistakes I have made and going into a new, much brighter future. They are musical and lyrical metaphors for my deepest imperfections. But paradoxically, they represent the life experience I have obtained as a nineteen-year-old woman. The girl I have been is not the woman I have to remain. It is my responsibility to become so much more than I have allowed myself to be.
Twelve Things I Have Learned in My 19 Years of Life
One – Suffering is Inevitable
Two – Reading Fiction Will Change Your Life
Three – Have Your Own System of Values, Morals, and Convictions
Four – It is Okay to Be [Very] Bad at Some Things
Five – Embracing My Feminity as a Young Woman
Six – Understand Your Shadow Self
Seven – Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously
Eight – Life is Too Short to Not Love Recklessly [but You Must Guard Your Heart]
Nine – The Danger of Not Being Authentic
Ten – Why Imposter Syndrome is a Good Thing
Eleven – Balance the Line Between Chaos and Order
Twelve – Know Your Worth
Thank you for taking the time to read if you are.
One – Suffering is Inevitable
Starting off this essay strong with probably the most intense topic? You better believe it. One of the most poignant and uncomfortable truths of life is that even if you are a good person, you’re going to suffer. This lesson I learned, by far, is easier said than done. I don’t mean to start this off with seeming negative: rather, talking about suffering is a neutral truth of life. Suffering itself can feel like hell, but it will happen. As a teenager, I always thought I could prevent all forms of pain by being overly positive, staying too far in my comfort zone, or simply avoiding it. This is very harmful. The resistance to feeling negative emotions is what contributes to heavy suffering. Trying to change your situation by living in the past or altering something that can not be altered will only magnify the pain you already have to deal with. Focus on what you can do in your current situation, as terrible as it might be, and figure out a way to grieve, be angry, be frustrated, and feel all of your feelings.
Two – Reading Fiction Will Change Your Life
Don’t even comment. I know, I know. I sound like a hypocrite right now, seeing as this essay is probably more in the memoir or self-help category if anything, and not at all fiction. But fiction, as you may have guessed, is what has facilitated my process of becoming internally fulfilled and understood. I do not read self-help books at all. I love writing about my experiences because it helps them feel concrete and less abstract in my mind, and if I help others in the process, then that is wonderful. But I think the day I actually pick up a self-help book is the day cherries will be considered a good fruit. So never. Instead, when it comes to life advice, I have found a wide array of video creators online who release valuable information. If self-help books work for you, then there is no shame in that.
Experiences I have from reading fictional books are not something I think I have words for. You are essentially thrust into a world of characters, feelings, and adventures beyond your wild imaginings, and the effect it has had on me is greatly profound. The books I have read range from romance to fantasy, and I have learned that the things I feel are actually very universal. Being able to relate to characters is incredibly comforting and it can even serve as a temporary escape from the monotony of reality. Whenever I am feeling deep melancholy, joy, desire, passion, or longing, I remind myself of the characters in my books and I feel so much contentment, peace, and understanding. I feel out of place in this world and I struggle with helping people understand my emotions and the way I feel things. Yet whenever I pick up a great fictional book, I don’t feel so out of place anymore. Not only do I feel seen and understood on an intimate level, but I get to go on unique journeys with characters that feel extremely fulfilling and meaningful.
There is that on that. I highly encourage you to experience fiction for yourself—my words don’t come close to expressing the value I gain from them. Here is a link to my Goodreads in case you are curious about what I’ve been reading.
Three – Have Your Own System of Values, Morals, and Convictions
One of the greatest things to happen to me was taking a few theology and philosophy courses thus far in my time at university. I learned profoundly intriguing philosophical concepts, but even more, was that I learned to think for myself and develop concrete values that will remain with me into later adulthood.
Some convictions I’m very unashamed of admitting include being pro-life, having libertarian politics, being an agnostic Christian, not buying into the lies of third-wave feminism, being a free thinker, understanding the value of meaningful relationships with people, not settling for less than I deserve, and developing a love of knowledge and lifelong learning. All of these convictions, of course, have nuance. I hate to put myself into any sort of category, so even listing these out is somewhat risky business. Yet another thing I am very convicted of is being okay with being misunderstood. I know my values, and I am learning who I am, so if people seek to misunderstand me, that is on them for not taking the time to clarify with me what it is exactly I stand for. As I said: I love nuance. Love, love, love nuance.
Having your own unique set of values can help you reach a stable sense of self, especially when you are out in the world and interacting with people from all walks of life. Your convictions will allow you to control your own actions and behaviour and not put yourself in situations you are not okay with being in. Others can go about life as they please just as you can.
Four – It is Okay to Be [Very] Bad at Some Things
You are not a robot. You don’t have to teach yourself languages, you don’t have to understand quantum mechanics, you don’t have to read the Odyssey, and you don’t have to become some incredibly talented musician. Some people can do all of these things, love it, and figure out ways to get paid for them… but for most of us, that is not our reality. It is certainly not my reality. I honestly feel pretty average and mediocre in my day-to-day life. I live in a single-room dorm room as a Resident Advisor, I like to eat plain foods like bread and pasta, and I like to be a homebody. However, my single greatest fatal flaw is that when I don’t want to do something—I will absolutely not do it. My family knows to not bother me about going out to mow the lawn or do some yard work. I’m somewhat allergic to physical labour, aside from my typical regular cardio workouts (which are highly rewarding, I’ll have you know). The most you can catch me doing is putting together some furniture from Ikea or cleaning and rearranging my room.
Aside from not enjoying physical labour, my mortal enemy as of September 8th, 2022 was and will remain this little thing called Statistics. This is something I am extremely Bad at doing: Bad with a capital B, my friends. My best friend Chloe once offered to help me understand it, as, at the time, I had a very low C in the subject, and I literally told her, “No, thanks! Just let me remain confused so I don’t actually have to do it.” This little exchange resulted in us laughing hysterically at one another, and afterwards, I still thanked her for the offer to help me out. From that point forward, we both did end up working together on Statistics homework, but my grade ended up declining to a 67 despite my halfway-studious attempts to improve. I’m definitely ashamed of getting to that point—but hear me out.
During the time I was slacking off in Stats, I was gaining a world of knowledge in my personal life, including certain events that heavily inspired me to write this essay in the first place. I have started reading almost every day, deeply engaging with my books, spending time with my friends, and learning more skills in writing and improving my life while still focusing on my other classes to the best of my ability. These things would have never happened to me if I was busy trying to figure out hypothesis testing and analysis of variance—whatever those things are. I’ve no idea, so don’t ask me. Focus on the things in your life that truly bring you value instead of things you are bad at doing. It is okay to not have the mental capacity for things you hate.
However, if you are also a student like me, do not fail your classes and run off into the sunset. Let me be very clear about this: college is incredibly expensive, so please note that I am not using this as an excuse to let myself fail Statistics. Just because I am terrible at it did not give me the freedom to relinquish responsibility for my education and my future. In life, I have had to do things I strongly did not want to do, and I must continue occasionally doing things I don’t want to do so that I can reap the ultimate benefits that my hard work can thus provide for me in the future.
Five – Embracing My Feminity as a Young Woman
So. Please don’t label me before you keep reading. I speak for myself and for no other girl or woman. This lesson may be the most controversial, but I feel that modern feminism—specifically, third and fourth-wave feminism—has completely lied to me. I have been told by many that I must be masculine, focus solely on my career, abandon my standards in relationships, and even engage in casual sex or hook-ups. These things alone are not inherently bad. Women should have the freedom to live their lives however they see fit! I just know that being masculine is not me. I do not want to spend my days in a physical job or make an exceeding amount of money. I am working so hard for my future, but my career will not be my life. Abandoning my standards has caused me to forget my worth, and be in undesirable situations. And lastly, casual sex and hook-ups would emotionally harm me in the long term. My ultimate goal is to share my life with a man who can provide for his family and his children. Motherhood is a gift that society has forgotten the value of and I’m already in love with my babies—and I have not even met them yet.
Six – Understand Your Shadow Self
Now, I’m not talking about the pretty little insecurities I have. I’m talking about the deeper ones. The ones that no one can see. The ones I keep hidden from everyone—the ones I have kept hidden from even myself. This is known as my Shadow self. It includes my moodiness, my self-centeredness, and my need for perfection. You might not know this about me, but I can be extremely unpleasant to be around if I am experiencing negative emotions, or if I am bothered while in the middle of something. I ruminate on the past far too much, and I engage in self-pity that is just pathetic. I have had moments of a scroll on my phone for hours without getting anything done, without cleaning my room, and without attempting to do my laundry. Sometimes, I’m a bit overly dramatic, turning my personal problems into some high tragedy—portraying myself as this brave yet delicate woman who suffers like no other—when in reality, I am acting pathetic and moping around my room when I should have been in the gym or working on some essays, or even writing this essay itself.
That is not to minimize my struggles, be overly self-effacing, or make myself feel invalidated, but it is the truth. I’m a human being. I feel very deep emotions and little things get the best of me, even though they are often temporary. Humans mope around. It just happens.
So sure. I’m a bit of an overthinker and I can be very selfish, emotional, and moody at times. It’s not easy to type this out for anyone to read, but I don’t want my blog to be this polished place where I can never share the negative aspects of who I am. However, the silver lining of all of these more negative traits means that I have actually looked in the mirror and confronted the parts of myself I’m deeply ashamed of. From here, I can only grow and learn to improve how I go about dealing with it. When I feel myself getting into a place full of melancholy, I can take physical steps to take myself out of it. I can feel my feelings, spend time with my thoughts, organize my room, or take a hot shower. If I am acting very unpleasant to be around, I have to take a step back and realize that there is something underlying that is causing me to feel and behave so poorly. Usually, I identify some sort of sadness in myself that then manifests as indifference and disagreeableness. I’m not allowing myself to make another single excuse for my behaviour because now I have the opportunity to move forward and correct it.
I refused to be defined by my low moments of weakness. You are also not defined by your moments of weakness. This includes shame, sadness, blinding anger, insecurity, and even cold apathy. As long as you have not caused someone else’s life incredible damage, it will be okay. But you must first make peace with your Shadow self, otherwise, you will never be able to grow into a person with a much more stable sense of self. Only looking at your better qualities will now allow you to understand every part of yourself. Looking at my own Shadow is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but if I did not, I would never be where I am now.
Seven – Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously
This is probably one I have to get better at myself. I sometimes act a little stubborn, especially since I am a perfectionist, but I also know that life is not supposed to be this serious, intense thing all the time. It is okay to have fun, do things that bring out your inner child, or even spend an hour watching baby animals online. Listen to stand-up comedians, even those with dark humour. Being able to sit here and make light of humans’ worst struggles can actually be just the thing you need. I love joking around with my sister and best friends, I enjoy relaxing and eating chocolate a little too much, and I know it is okay to be imperfect. One thing I do that my mom finds funny is that I never fail to leave a ton of crumbs all over the couch whenever I eat something. No matter how many times she asks me to not do that, there are still always crumbs not far from where I am. I just love snacks. My motto is this: You know your food was good if ends up all over you. You know, the type of food that was just so good that you couldn’t have been bothered to eat properly.
Eight – Life is Too Short to Not Love Recklessly [but You Must Guard Your Heart]
Love is the greatest thing in this world. Once again, it’s what is driving my words as I type out this essay. People inspire me. My family, my friends, and many others who have come into my life consist of those people. There are many types of love to go around. There are actually eight types of love, interestingly enough. You can browse this little article if ya like—which I found fascinating. The 8 types of love include Philia (Affectionate Love), Pragma (Enduring Love), Storge (Familiar Love), Eros (Romantic Love), Ludus (Playful Love), Mania (Obsessive Love), Philautia (Self Love), and Agape (Selfless Love). I will not go into all of the details of all of them as the article does a fantastic job of that, but I still think it goes without saying that I really, truly, deeply value love in all of its forms. When we feel strong things, our minds actually have no concept of the time that passed. Feelings of admiration, love, and passion are all equal in the brain—a truth I learned from a book called Our Chemical Hearts by Krystal Sutherland.
In case you could not tell, I have always been the type of girl to romantically invest my heart into others without getting much in return. It kind of just happens for me. Once I get intense feelings for someone, my desire for them is something I have trouble controlling. No matter how rational I may be in my daily life with people, getting feelings for a select few people in my life is my Achilles Heel. I think it overwhelms people. I think they may find me to be a little too much. I think they might not care for me. They may find it strange, which is okay. If I could somehow lessen this, this heart I have, I definitely would. But I can’t. So I must embrace it with a newfound sense of protection in my heart. As great as I think my love may be, it’s gotten me into a fair bit of emotional trouble. I’ve settled for much less than I deserve. I’ve let guys get too close, too soon. I’ve been hurt. Those days of my past are long over. When I get feelings, I see the greatest in people and I think I always will. It’s both a weakness and a strength of mine in a lot of ways, and going forward, I will intend on guarding my heart a little bit more. Going through that type of hurt is not something I deserve. I know I deserve more, and if you can relate to any of this, I hope you know you deserve more too, whether you’re a woman or a man. It took the last four years of my life—and then finally an epiphany—to understand this and actually believe it.
But as a reminder, I don’t regret a single thing about my reckless heart. My heart has taught me everything, in time. All I have gone through has been a learning experience towards the woman I have grown to be on the inside. Anything could happen at any moment, anything could be gone in the blink of an eye. I’m very thankful for being able to experience what it is like to give love to another person. Receiving love is one thing, but a great joy in my heart is being able to give my heart back to someone and make them feel like they are special, too, imperfections and all. Life is too short to not risk your heart and let yourself fall for people. Get your heart broken, man. The best lessons I’ve learned are after being hurt, even outside of romantic hurts. One day, a man will give me the same love I give to him. I don’t know when that will happen for me, but whoever he is, he will give me the love I deserve. I know better than to settle for less. Until then, I’ll know I’m worthy.
On the topic of other forms of love, it is worth noting that romantic love (Eros) is not the only thing that matters in this world. Of course, my ultimate dream is to get married and become a mother, but at 19, I am still some years from that dream. Until then, I must be thankful for the love my family has given me, which I consider to be Agape, the selfless type of love. My sister, Makayla, never fails to put up with me even when I’m moody and irritable and I don’t agree with her. She has gotten me through all of my hard times when it really matters. I’d do anything for my sister. My wonderful parents, Thomas and Stacey Fuchsgruber, have given me so much time, love, and energy to me to protect me and raise me to be the young woman I am. I think I get a little too caught up in the romances I have portrayed in my mind and in my past that I forget about my parents and how they made a commitment to me 19 years ago and never once abandoned me. They would do anything for me, anything at all to protect me. That is love. The sacrificial love of two parents is something I think all humans in the world deserve, and if you did not get that, it does not change your worth in any way. Even if my life circumstances were different, my life would still be valuable. Even if I lost my family, God forbid, my life still matters. Yet I owe my life to them. I can’t express how thankful I am for what they do for me. Despite the mistakes I might make in my life, I hope I make them proud.
Nine – The Danger of Not Being Authentic
Inauthenticity will chip away at the person you are and how you view other people and the world. Every time you tell a lie or you agree with someone when you truly do not agree, you may start to lose who you are, and not be able to tell what it is you believe in, or what you think you should be believing. Some of my beliefs have been silenced by others, and I have been unfairly labelled, but I have been making a great effort to speak my mind. The difference between who I am now versus who I was a year ago is the difference between night and day.
Ten – Why Imposter Syndrome is a Good Thing
The feeling of not thinking you are measuring up in comparison is something I am very familiar with. Self-comparison is the thief of joy, as they say, so I do not particularly advocate for that. However, I have obtained a great amount of value from always trying to become better than the person I was yesterday. There are times I feel like a fraud, and it may sound counterintuitive, but this feeling of discomfort can actually be very motivating. Over time, I have developed a more secure sense of who I am despite the imperfections I have, and it is because I slowly make the effort to push myself beyond my limits, particularly in regard to writing and setting attainable goals for myself.
Eleven – Balance the Line Between Chaos and Order
My dad taught me this concept when I was a young girl, and then it was reinforced once more by Dr. Jordan Bernt Peterson, a Canadian clinical psychologist. Here is a video I watched a long time ago about this topic from him. To make this make more sense in the context of my own life, you must know that I don’t drink alcohol. The last time I did was at the end of October, and going forward, I fully intend on living a life free from consuming it due to health and conscientious reasons. However, on the flip side, I made an impulsive decision in the middle of November 2022 to get two brand-new ear piercings that cost me 118 of my own dollars. Getting your ears stabbed with metal is no light decision, believe me, but I did it anyways. Shamelessly. It was so freeing and I felt incredibly empowered afterwards. I have a whole personal story about why I got them [it is deeply meaningful], but that single decision has probably been the most “19-year-old” thing I’ve ever done in my life. There is something so beautiful about piercings to me, which is why I love them.
By being conscientious when it comes to my health, staying away from alcohol, doing regular light exercise, taking care of my mental health, and being a generally cautious person, I would say I live on the side of “order” far more frequently than on the side of “chaos.” However, being occasionally spontaneous is probably a very healthy thing. I highly recommend everyone balance this line, as long as you are not risking your life or endangering others. It is remarkably easy to get out of your comfort zone and find creative ways of being spontaneous. Ear piercings, for me, are the perfect example of how this applies to my own life. Other examples include opening up to my friends, putting myself in uncomfortable situations (such as meeting new people or getting involved in a new activity), voicing my opinions to others without shame, and putting all of these silly thoughts of mine on the internet, free to be ridiculed and mocked! As my life goes on, I can’t wait for all of the opportunities I will have to slowly get out of my comfort zone and take risks in ways that add value to my life—not take away. This is the beauty of safety and madness.
Twelve – Know Your Worth
If you are going to remember anything on this list, it is that you have worth. You have inherent value that no one can take away, just by virtue of being human. Is that not the most wonderful thing ever?! I think so, although, it can be a bit difficult to remember. Just me writing out those three simple words does not actually translate to believing them.
We get our sense of self-worth from relationships, our work, and what we ultimately bring to the table. And I actually think that to a certain extent, that is healthy. It is impossible to be the only one to validate yourself, without anyone else noticing your hard work; being single for an extended period of time can also feel isolating. Because at the end of the day, humans are social beings, and forming deep connections with other people is incredibly meaningful. It is okay to want other people to appreciate the things you do, even if it is just one person or your family. It is okay to value your significant other.
However, in the past, I have gotten myself into trouble when I focus solely on others’ opinions of me, when I let my worth be defined by whether or not I am in a relationship, or when I let the way someone negatively treats me be a representation of my value to them. Putting my worth into temporary situations, and temporary people, has been the greatest mistake. It is not one I’d made consciously or willingly, it just seems to happen.
I have now realized that despite everything, I still matter. Even though I am not in a relationship, even though I have had my heart broken, and even if no one ever remembers my existence, I still matter. This is obviously much harder said than done, but living your life knowing that you are good enough on your own is so empowering and can truly change your life. Knowing your worth teaches you that you deserve to fulfil your wildest dreams, but that you also deserve joy—and the little things in life. Such as your favourite snacks and desserts. Or spending time with family, friends, and animals. Or the way a candle smells in your home on a peaceful, autumn night. Or the music you love. You’re worthy of all of those things.
No matter where you are in life, what people might think of you, or what mistakes you have made, you are worthy. Your life is a gift. You owe it to yourself to never let a single soul convince you otherwise. Know your worth.
With all of this in order, the goal of this essay has been to share a little bit of knowledge as a young 19-year-old woman in the world. Hopefully, it influences someone in a positive way, which is why I’ve posted this for the world to see. If not, I’m glad enough to have this written down for myself so I can revisit it at some point in the future. As I mentioned thoroughly, writing is my greatest passion and I love doing this. People taking the time to read my work is simply an ancillary benefit. These things that I have learned came to me through a lot of introspection, pain, joy, and experiences. But in more ways than none, these twelve things are inspired by all of the people who have ever influenced me. If any one person in my life had been different—I would be different. That reminds me of the Butterfly Effect, how the tiniest changes can have major results. I can not wait to keep growing and learning. I’ve got so much ahead of me, but the future does not seem so bad, anymore. Despite my flaws. Despite my mistakes.
I fully intend on carrying the darkness with me just as much as I am carrying the light.
And always. I will always be a work in progress. ♥️
—Essay by Samantha Fuchsgruber
Date // 26. November 2022
@LockheartArdenPublishing