In this short essay, I express where my religious life has been, and what it means to “live Incarnationally.”

My religious life… has been interesting as of late. 

✨ It feels like so much has happened in this last month. Significantly, I encountered some new, yet familiar, difficulties with my Catholic faith. If you know me, then you know that this is absolutely not the first time I’ve struggled in this way. It happened in June of this past year (the most severe instance of this happening; where I entirely abandoned all of my hope in God for two weeks); it happened at the end of September (where I had minor spiritual desolation); and it happened again just at the beginning of this December (when I experienced more spiritual desolation, but a more intense kind). 

Many people may not know this about me, but I just have to be honest: I am someone who is predisposed to being rather negative and pessimistic towards the world. It’s extremely easy for me to grow discouraged and cynical about the Church. Sadly, this then causes me to even feel cynical toward God Himself. That being said, I have to work really, really hard to be positive and see the good side of life. Even though this account only shows small parts of my soul, it is a joy to share my faith here because it’s almost like an online diary of thoughts and wonderings. I love having this page as a reminder of all the wonderful things that God has done in my life, but I want to be more authentic and admit when I am struggling. 

I say all of this because God’s grace and mercy have been such a gift in my life. When I think about where I used to be before I knew God… the fact that I have been able to experience so much joy and wholeness from Him… it’s just so difficult to put in words. Because I have resolved my difficulties with my faith, I am in a place where I simply want to be in a simple state of rest and peace with God. Oscillating between belief and questioning is so exhausting. I do not want to allow the negative and cynical side of me to get the better of the deep joy that I have found within my relationship with God. 

Something very, very important that I am learning is that our lives, as Christians, are supposed to have an “Incarnational” quality to them. (I am paraphrasing the beautiful words of what a Dominican Friar, whom I know personally, has told me.) Instead of having doubt-riddled tunnel vision that seeks to solve some of life’s deepest theological questions—questions that take a lifetime to uncover—we are called to actually live our lives. We are called to be in the present moment. We are called to love God and other people. As long as we know that God has made a home in our hearts, everything about our lives becomes enhanced: we pursue our passions, go to Mass, have a prayer life, spend time with our loved ones, manage our responsibilities, connect with God in our own unique ways, and get outside of our comfort zones. God does not take away from any of these things—He makes them better, shining a newer and more beautiful light upon everything that we do. 

Essentially, living “Incarnationally” means that we are supposed to live out the joy of God becoming man, and we are called to do this with hope and freedom. When our hearts are hardened and analyzing too many complicated things, all we can think about are our doubts… coupled with black-and-white extremes. But when our hearts are in the right posture—a posture that seeks union and transformation with God—life becomes so whole and full again. ♥️ 

—Essay by Samantha Fuchsgruber 

Date // 22. December 2024

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